I don’t understand what happens in my brain to make the post concussion syndrome return. Today my ‘wobble’ was so bad it tore my day apart. I sat in mediation for 30 minutes and nothing came. I was able to get my mind to stop but it just stayed black. It was sad and empty.
Day 4 -Cease to Exist
It’s a much better day…like fresh air coming in the nostrils as soon as I woke up this morning. My dear love bounced out of bed (after his customary grope) and left for work before the kids even woke up. He is on fire. We’re opening a new business and it lights him up. Despite all the difficulties and pressures of this venture I can see so clearly that it is his calling. It is incredible to watch and liberates me to do what I really love to do, which is love my children, be a good friend, wife and mother, sit in stillness and write.
Today in meditation I was quickly drawn in to feel deep love and respect for my body. I felt an urge to thank first my toes and feet for always being there for me…for letting me dance and carrying me forward each day. Then I thanked my ankles for never giving me any problems..for being so flexible and strong. I was suddenly flooded with memories of snowboarding, tap dancing, running, jumping, and travelling where my feet and ankles provided the support I needed. Then my shin bone spoke up and said that it was proud to support me, then the knees chimed in with their thoughts and I silently thanked them for allowing me to sit and stand and walk. I told them I’d take better care of them and they laughed…silly knees. Then my femurs grew warm and I had to thank them for helping me stand tall(ish). I suddenly realized that I am like a house of cards and my legs are the bottom, always carrying the weight, and I’m grateful for that. At this point my hips started groaning and I had to stretch a little to acknowledge them. I felt a deep love for them as I realized that they cradled my baby boys before they were born. They moved and shifted to accommodate them as they grew and then went back to the way they were after I gave birth. I thanked them for that and felt overwhelmed by the love I have for my children….how fortunate I am to have them in my life.
Next up was the spine…I could feel each vertebrae as if someone was walking up my back like a ladder. I realized just what a complicated puzzle I have beneath my skin and was filled with wonder at how it all fits so perfectly together without my having to do anything. Spine told me it too has had a tough year since the car accident. It asked me to listen to it and work with it to heal and I listened. About half way up the ladder the ribs beamed with joy. They said hello! and I suddenly saw them as a protective bear hug surrounding my heart and lungs. It made me feel so loved and cared for to think of ribcage as being so loving and taking such good care of me. Inside the warm hug was the heart…it beat strongly as I paid it some attention. I thanked it for providing the rhythm of this dancing machine I call my body. It was silent…only beating…there was a profound moment of calm. Then the lungs drew in a huge breath and asked me to scream out as we pushed the air out again. I could see them pink and alive and clear. Stomach got in on the action by telling me everything is good down here…just send down some warm lemon water so they could do a little housekeeping. I could hear a chorus of cheers as my intestines heard about the lemon water. Again, I thanked them for all they do for me.
My shoulders begged for attention at that time and I suddenly sat up a bit straighter. I could see that the arms hang of those strong bones and the weight of it all was something to bear. My shoulders told me to sit up straight so the weight could be more balanced. Then my ams chimed in and I saw myself holding my children. I nearly wept. Hands got in on the action by showing me how they help me do just about everything (even type this and raise the coffee to my mouth). I’d never spent a single moment of my life being grateful to my hands and now I was unable to stop. I kissed them gently and imagined myself touching my children’s beautiful faces.
At this point my neck and I had a moment. I could see that it was damaged in the car accident and was working so hard to come back into alignment. I thanked it for never giving up and it promised me that it would find its way back to health. As I focussed on my skull and brain, I kid you not, I heard loud and clearly, music and all, “This is ground control to Major Tom!” I giggled out loud. If my brain is ground control who is Major Tom? This thought rolled around for a while and the answer still makes me smile.
My beautiful little boy painted this for me.
Day 3 – Cease to Exist
It was a tough one today. My brain ‘wobble’ is bad and I’m having a really hard time just getting through. My kids are my first priority so I try to save my strength for them as much as possible. Meditation was a struggle this morning as my mind wanted to pull me ahead to all the things I ‘need’ to get done and drag me into the past where things seemed to be easier. I know that neither of those places exist though and the best way to find some peace is to focus on the breath…the in and out of air that only ever happens NOW.
As I fidgeted and stretched a sore back through 45 minutes of “stillness” I was struck by a vision of an acorn. A dear friend and spiritual mentor, Liza Hindmarch, gave me an acorn during a group meditation session about a year ago. She told us that contained in that seed was the potential for a great oak tree. Though impossible to see that potential it does fully exist and requires nothing other than planting for it to grow. You can’t force a tree to grow from the seed, you can only surround it with the soil, space, water and sunshine it needs to begin its transformation. This got me to reflect on what I need to undertake my own transformation and manifest my true potential. Am I surrounding myself with fertile soil? Do I give myself the space I need? Am I watering and sunning myself as much as I need? If I don’t do these things for myself how can I ever hope to grow?
The acorn Liza gave me.
Day 2 – Cease to Exist
I had an incredible session of acupuncture this morning and drifted easily into a meditative state while on the table and full of needles. I had a feeling of floating away but still being in my body. It was a welcome break from the way I feel during waking hours and I noticed just how available that state is if I just choose to go there.
My brain ‘wobble’ is back. It’s awful to experience its return and I find myself wallowing in fear and uncertainty about if or when I will ever feel whole again. This fear is like a magnet for other fears that love to join in and sing their song of lack and worry. I feel deeply grateful for the teachers who have found their way to me and have taught me about EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), meditation, the biology of belief, the quantum field, the placebo effect, energy flow and more as they have provided me with a way out of the mind and into the heart. In the heart I can sink into a strong belief in this loving, abundant universe and can see myself as free from post concussion syndrome and all of its nasty side effects.
The bubble of truth that surfaced during meditation today is around wealth. So often that word is associated with money but it really extends to all things that one has in abundance. To tap into that feeling all we need to do is count our blessings and express deep gratitude for all we have in our lives. In stillness I realized that on the outside wealth looks like having, but on the inside it feels like giving. We can not give what we do not have. In giving, we acknowledge in our mind that we have enough, that we are abundant. This feeling of abundance is an energy that draws more in, this providing more to give and so on in a cycle.
Day 1 – Cease to Exist
I have been a closet meditator for a while now. I tell myself that I meditate, and even do so on occasion, but it hasn’t really become a full practice. I tend to imagine that I don’t have time…or I’ll do it later…or I’ve got more important things to do. But the truth is I’ve been struggling with an inner void or emptiness that I can’t understand. As it often the case the universe delivered something to me that has finally kicked me of the couch of ‘putting it off’ and onto the floor of meditation.
Kyle Cease began 100 days of meditating for 2 hours per day. Each day he posts a video of what revelations he discovered during the stillness. I was really enjoying my spectator meditative practice until one day when he said “You can do this too! As much as I am getting huge results from this practice you can too. Nobody got buff by watching someone else work out”. This got me. It resonated. I want to experience the divine….to connect to my higher self…to live with ease, purpose and freedom. Kyle’s transformation, or Evolving Out Loud as he calls it, is inspiring and a call to action!
You can watch it here: Kyle Cease 100 day self-connection
Today I began my 100 day journey. I didn’t just think about it or plan it for another day, I did it. It was hard…then easy…then hard…then beautiful…then painful…then inspiring.
One thing that came up in mediation was the value of time in nature. In stillness I realized that the value of time in nature is that it asks nothing of us. It gives of itself freely and asks that we do nothing in return. It does not require us to be smart, or beautiful, or productive …it is just there. It doesn’t ask us to move quicker or to slow down. It doesn’t push or pull and just is. You can not make a tree grow or a river flow. You can not stop the rocks or slow movement of the sun. The only thing to be done in nature is to experience it…to observe and to appreciate.
Namaste.
May 2016 be f@cking great!
I’ve had a rough go of it this year. 2014 ended with a car accident and 2015 was filled with fall out from that. I’m on the mend though…no more needs to be said about that.
There’s something about this photo of Jack Nicholson that makes me feel like it is time to lighten up! So, in the spirit of New Years I am going to do just that.
May your new year be filled with moments where you simply smile and acknowledge that it’s good to be alive.
All the best,
Jo
Don’t put it off
It’s easy to forget. In all the excitement of holiday planning and merry making for others it is easy to forget to put your own needs and desires on the agenda.
It’s easy to put it off. With all the demands of being an adult in this world it is easy to wait until things are ‘just right’ to do something extravagant for yourself.
It’s easy to make excuses. There are bills to pay, mortgages to manage, groceries to buy, retirement to save for. Travel can seem too much of a luxury to indulge in so it is sidelined ‘for now’.
However the truth is that travel is the ultimate gift. It is one that continues to give long after the suitcases are returned to storage and the tan has faded. It is both the experience of the trip and the reflection of it for years to come that allow this gift to be savoured for eternity. It is a joyful moment in time that is frozen forever in a happy mind.
I firmly believe that travel enriches our lives one journey at a time. We have but one lifetime and as hard as we try we must acknowledge that conditions are never ‘just right’ to put your dreams into action. So, how about NOW?
If you are in Canada now is a great time to call the Experts at Niche Travel to give this gift to someone you love…including yourself. Put your own needs on the agenda, do something extravagant and indulge. You just might be surprised by what they
can find for you…
www.nichetravelgroup.com 902-407-4567
Expect miracles
I am going to live rather than die
To recover rather than receed
To rest and rejuvenate without guilt and loss
To take it easy on good days despite my urge to run and play and dance and do
To cry without going to the bottom again
To know my symptoms are messages from a brain that is working like hell to fix itself
To see myself well and strong again
To know, without a shadow of doubt, that I will make a full recovery.
To love myself unconditionally through this to the other side.
What about the bone?
I went to the doctor the other day. I needed a note to give to the insurance company to apply for wage loss benefits. Before going I made a pact with myself that I’d stay calm, present the facts, get the note and wobble on home. I’ve seen so many doctors, told my story so many times and hit so many brick walls that I’ve learned to be unemotional and have no expectations.
She asked me how I was doing and inquired into my symptoms. I started to relay the months of suffering, the difficulty walking, the confusion, the eye issues, the sensitivity to sound and movement. I began to cry.
I cried because I know what I’ve lost; my job, my ability to be the mom I was, my money (treatment fees anyone?), my identity, my energy, my lifestyle, my physical abilities. I cried because I am tired. I cried because I am scared. I cried because I feel like I’m dying and the medical community seems to be knitting at the gallows. I cried because I don’t know what else to do.
I wiped away my tears and took a deep breath. I looked at her and saw compassion. My spirits lifted. Maybe I had finally found my care provider; someone with the keys to the concussion treatment Kingdom who will offer me a way through this hell. Maybe I am not so alone in this after all.
“I’m going to prescribe antidepressants”, she said looking at her computer. “I’m also going to refer you to the public health office for counselling. Have you heard of celexa….”
I retreated back to my shell. I stopped listening and returned to the inner voice that believes me. We can do this it said, we will find our way back to wellness.
“Isn’t that like putting a band aid on a broken leg?” I replied. “Sure it stops the bleeding but what about the bone?”
She did everything but shrug her shoulders. That was the end of the conversation. I’m on my own.
The nightmare I can’t wakeup from
Wow. This is an incredible insight into post concussion syndrome. It truly is a nightmare.
When I was younger I always imagined how my life would be after high school. I envisioned myself going away to university, going out with my friends regularly, studying hard to reach my goals, and being involved in many sports. I couldn’t wait to move away from home and “start fresh”. I was excited to work towards achieving my goals in life. In my grade 12 year I worked so hard and even achieved an 86% average. I was in amazing shape, and preparing to move out within a few months. I couldn’t wait for the next chapter in my life to begin!
What I didn’t envision was living with post concussion syndrome, and having my life put on hold for over a year. Life has a funny way of slamming the door in your face right when you think you’re beginning to have things figured out. Instead of moving…
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Jo Traveller 