Day 8 -Cease to Exist

Why Cease to Exist?  It is a play on Kyle Cease’s 100 day journey into 2 hours of daily meditation.  I have been so inspired by his revelations that I decided to take the leap myself.  In Ceasing, or stopping, for a while each day I am hoping to tap into my existence…to dig deep and uncover the hidden truth about my life and shed my limiting beliefs.  I don’t know if it is divine timing or bad luck but the start of my 100 day journey coincided perfectly with my decline back into post concussion syndrome hell.  The sages of the world, Cease included, say there are no coincidences so I am trying to see the hidden beauty in the wobbliness of my broken brain and silently allow it to be there.

I’ve had to cancel my medical appointments today as I feel rather strongly that I should not be driving.  My eyes are ‘off’ and even walking around the house is too much for me to bear.  I had a beautiful offer from a friend to come over and be my ‘personal assistant’ and was surprised by my resistance to that offer.  Why is it so hard to accept help when it is offered?  I’m not only in deep resistance to the medical condition that prevents me from doing things I need to do, but I’m also against getting help.  Where does that put me?  In misery.  Why would I want to be there?  Do I subconsciously believe that there has to be a level of misery in my life?

As I sat in meditation this morning I thought about this blog.  Why am I writing it?  Who is it for?  What does it mean?  Does it mean anything?  As I floated these ideas around in stillness I realized that I write because I am a writer.  Just as a hockey player needs a puck to play hockey, I need words to be a writer.  Writers write…they use words like a golfer uses golf balls…. I want to play.  That’s all.  Doing this makes me a writer and that’s what I want.  Thank you for playing with me.

Advertisements

Day 7 – Cease to Exist

It was meant to be a powerful way to connect to myself.  In the spirit of Kyle Cease’s brave sharing of his 100 days of deep 2 hour meditation I would schedule a daily meditation practice of my own.  I am at a point in my life where I am searching for meaning beyond accumulation and gratification.  As much as those things can be pleasurable it is doubtful that they account for the purpose of the human life.  Not begin able to work and having a limited capacity to be wife, mother and friend to those I love, I find myself swirling into a routine just to keep going.  I feel like I can almost touch something just a hair away and when I’m in meditation, free from thoughts and to do lists, I can feel peace and know calm.

These past few days have seen the return of my debilitating neurological condition that I call the ‘wobbles’.  Over the past year I have tried in vain to describe this conditions to every type of health care practitioner imaginable.  I’ve seen one neurologist,  two osteopaths, four chiropractors, two Chinese doctors, three massage therapists, one physiologist and countless medical doctors and after more than five thousand dollars worth of treatment I am not sure I’m any further ahead in healing.   Today, during a 20 minute meditation I got away from it for just a while.

image

Before going in to meditation I pulled two cards from my Liza Hindmarch card set.  They read “trust the process of life” and “I aim not to be perfect – but to be perfectly myself”.  What can any of that mean?  As I entered the stillness I tried to imagine what it would feel like to totally surrender to the process of life and be perfectly myself.  This idea seemed counter to the pushing I’ve been doing – the relentless search for a miracle cure – the trying so hard to be someone who doesn’t feel awful half of the time.  To surrender feels like defeat.  I don’t know how to be ok with this.  I want so badly to get out from under it so that I can be a mom to my boys and a parter to my husband.

Day 6 – Cease to Exist

It’s Saturday so the kids are home from school for the weekend.  This makes it hard to carve out the time and silence I need to meditate for an hour so I had to make do with just 20 minutes.  With earbuds and a quick ‘youtbue’ search of meditation I was amazed by how far away I was able to drift while still listening to the boys laughter.  I felt my mind slow down and stop the blathering long enough to feel present.  It is incredible to let go and just be.  I imagined myself sitting beside a waterfall and watched the water pool and then flow downstream.  I could feel the cool spray on my face and pulled in a long, fresh breath of the misty air.  My heart rate dropped, my shoulders released and I heard the word Bhavathi being spoken to me.  It said “you are bhavathi…you are bhavathi”.  I looked right and saw a wooded area and imagined myself running through the trees.  I looked left and saw the water falling endlessly.  I looked forward and saw nothing but felt the sun on my face.

I came out of the  meditation more calm and feeling peaceful.  Perhaps that is the lesson here.

Check it out..Meditation

Day 4 -Cease to Exist

It’s a much better day…like fresh air coming in the nostrils as soon as I woke up this morning.  My dear love bounced out of bed (after his customary grope) and left for work before the kids even woke up.  He is on fire.  We’re opening a new business and it lights him up.  Despite all the difficulties and pressures of this venture I can see so clearly that it is his calling.  It is incredible to watch and liberates me to do what I really love to do, which is love my children, be a good friend, wife and mother, sit in stillness and write.

Today in meditation I was quickly drawn in to feel deep love and respect for my body.  I felt an urge to thank first my toes and feet for always being there for me…for letting me dance and carrying me forward each day.  Then I thanked my ankles for never giving me any problems..for being so flexible and strong.  I was suddenly flooded with memories of snowboarding, tap dancing, running, jumping, and travelling where my feet and ankles provided the support I needed.  Then my shin bone spoke up and said that it was proud to support me, then the knees chimed in with their thoughts and I silently thanked them for allowing me to sit and stand and walk.  I told them I’d take better care of them and they laughed…silly knees.  Then my femurs grew warm and I had to thank them for helping me stand tall(ish).  I suddenly realized that I am like a house of cards and my legs are the bottom, always carrying the weight, and I’m grateful for that.  At this point my hips started groaning and I had to stretch a little to acknowledge them.  I felt a deep love for them as I realized that they cradled my baby boys before they were born.  They moved and shifted to accommodate them as they grew and then went back to the way they were after I gave birth.  I thanked them for that and felt overwhelmed by the love I have for my children….how fortunate I am to have them in my life.

Next up was the spine…I could feel each vertebrae as if someone was walking up my back like a ladder.  I realized just what a complicated puzzle I have beneath my skin and was filled with wonder at how it all fits so perfectly together without my having to do anything.  Spine told me it too has had a tough year since the car accident.  It asked me to listen to it and work with it to heal and I listened.  About half way up the ladder the ribs beamed with joy.  They said hello! and I suddenly saw them as a protective bear hug surrounding my heart and lungs.  It made me feel so loved and cared for to think of ribcage as being so loving and taking such good care of me.  Inside the warm hug was the heart…it beat strongly as I paid it some attention.  I thanked it for providing the rhythm of this dancing machine I call my body.  It was silent…only beating…there was a profound moment of calm.  Then the lungs drew in a huge breath and asked me to scream out as we pushed the air out again.  I could see them pink and alive and clear.  Stomach got in on the action by telling me everything is good down here…just send down some warm lemon water so they could do a little housekeeping.  I could hear a chorus of cheers as my intestines heard about the lemon water.  Again, I thanked them for all they do for me.

My shoulders begged for attention at that time and I suddenly sat up a bit straighter.  I could see that the arms hang of those strong bones and the weight of it all was something to bear.  My shoulders told me to sit up straight so the weight could be more balanced.  Then my ams chimed in and I saw myself holding my children.  I nearly wept.  Hands got in on the action by showing me how they help me do just about everything (even type this and raise the coffee to my mouth).  I’d never spent a single moment of my life being grateful to my hands and now I was unable to stop.  I kissed them gently and imagined myself touching my children’s beautiful faces.

At this point my neck and I had a moment.  I could see that it was damaged in the car accident and was working so hard to come back into alignment.  I thanked it for never giving up and it promised me that it would find its way back to health.  As I focussed on my skull and brain, I kid you not, I heard loud and clearly, music and all,  “This is ground control to Major Tom!”  I giggled out loud.  If my brain is ground control who is Major Tom?  This thought rolled around for a while and the answer still makes me smile.

love

My beautiful little boy painted this for me.

 

Day 3 – Cease to Exist

It was a tough one today.  My brain ‘wobble’ is bad and I’m having a really hard time just getting through.  My kids are my first priority so I try to save my strength for them as much as possible.  Meditation was a struggle this morning as my mind wanted to pull me ahead to all the things I ‘need’ to get done and drag me into the past where things seemed to be easier.  I know that neither of those places exist though and the best way to find some peace is to focus on the breath…the in and out of air that only ever happens NOW.

As I fidgeted and stretched a sore back through 45 minutes of “stillness” I was struck by a vision of an acorn.  A dear friend and spiritual mentor, Liza Hindmarch, gave me an acorn during a group meditation session about a year ago.  She told us that contained in that seed was the potential for a great oak tree.  Though impossible to see that potential it does fully exist and requires nothing other than planting for it to grow.  You can’t force a tree to grow from the seed, you can only surround it with the soil, space, water and sunshine it needs to begin its transformation.  This got me to reflect on what I need to undertake my own transformation and manifest my true potential.  Am I surrounding myself with fertile soil?  Do I give myself the space I need?  Am I watering and sunning myself as much as I need?  If I don’t do these things for myself how can I ever hope to grow?

acorn

The acorn Liza gave me.

Day 2 – Cease to Exist

I had an incredible session of acupuncture this morning and drifted easily into a meditative state while on the table and full of needles.  I had a feeling of floating away but still being in my body.  It was a welcome break from the way I feel during waking hours and I noticed just how available that state is if I just choose to go there.

My brain ‘wobble’ is back.  It’s awful to experience its return and I find myself wallowing in fear and uncertainty about if or when I will ever feel whole again.  This fear is like a magnet for other fears that love to join in and sing their song of lack and worry.  I feel deeply grateful for the teachers who have found their way to me and have taught me about EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), meditation, the biology of belief, the quantum field, the placebo effect, energy flow and more as they have provided me with a way out of the mind and into the heart.  In the heart I can sink into a strong belief in this loving, abundant universe and can see myself as free from post concussion syndrome and all of its nasty side effects.

The bubble of truth that surfaced during meditation today is around wealth.  So often that word is associated with money but it really extends to all things that one has in abundance.  To tap into that feeling all we need to do is count our blessings and express deep gratitude for all we have in our lives.  In stillness I realized that on the outside wealth looks like having, but on the inside it feels like giving.  We can not give what we do not have.  In giving, we acknowledge in our mind that we have enough, that we are abundant.  This feeling of abundance is an energy that draws more in, this providing more to give and so on in a cycle.