What about the bone?

I went to the doctor the other day. I needed a note to give to the insurance company to apply for wage loss benefits. Before going I made a pact with myself that I’d stay calm, present the facts, get the note and wobble on home. I’ve seen so many doctors, told my story so many times and hit so many brick walls that I’ve learned to be unemotional and have no expectations.

She asked me how I was doing and inquired into my symptoms. I started to relay the months of suffering, the difficulty walking, the confusion, the eye issues, the sensitivity to sound and movement. I began to cry.

I cried because I know what I’ve lost; my job, my ability to be the mom I was, my money (treatment fees anyone?), my identity, my energy, my lifestyle, my physical abilities. I cried because I am tired. I cried because I am scared. I cried because I feel like I’m dying and the medical community seems to be knitting at the gallows. I cried because I don’t know what else to do.

I wiped away my tears and took a deep breath. I looked at her and saw compassion. My spirits lifted. Maybe I had finally found my care provider; someone with the keys to the concussion treatment Kingdom who will offer me a way through this hell. Maybe I am not so alone in this after all.

“I’m going to prescribe antidepressants”, she said looking at her computer. “I’m also going to refer you to the public health office for counselling. Have you heard of celexa….”

I retreated back to my shell. I stopped listening and returned to the inner voice that believes me. We can do this it said, we will find our way back to wellness.

“Isn’t that like putting a band aid on a broken leg?” I replied. “Sure it stops the bleeding but what about the bone?”

She did everything but shrug her shoulders. That was the end of the conversation. I’m on my own.

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38 thoughts on “What about the bone?

  1. Oh Joanne be strong, you are the only one that can help yourself, more than anything or anyone else. Did you try to reset your body? Go raw vegan he do wonders to heal and reverse many conditions. I am doing that reset myself because I wanted to set a new path going into the second part of my life as helthier I can. I don’t have any medical condition that I know, but I want to renew body, soul, and mind because during the past 10 years I went through a lots of stress from life events happened that I had to deal with. I overcome that part on my own it wasn’t easy. So this month is my birthday I decided that is time to renew. I started with the first important thing we do put inside our body “food” I went raw vegan and so far I feel so great and full of energy I also start to meditate and added some yoga to my fitness activities. There are many ways you have to find yours but search into the Raw food and how it heal….sending you lots of love I am always here if you want to talk… You will get better ❤

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  2. Jo my brother in law has had a very similar struggle for the last 2yrs. He too has seen every specialist and trained professional’ in his area. And still they find no answers to his change in health.. I send you all my love and hope together we can find some relief and peace for both of you!

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  3. I admire you so much for being such a strong person. I’ve seriously been dealing with anxiety and depression for a few years and it’s made me question myself a lot. It’s why I’ve stopped writing and blogging for a bit, but I guess the struggle’s all part of life.

    I’m really rooting for you to get better and I know you’ll conquer in the end. I believe in you, Joanne!!

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    • I don’t feel strong. I don’t know what it even means to be strong. I feel crushed and raw and vulnerable and scared and angry and weak. I think strength is just being human and somehow enduring the tough to get to the good. I wish you all the love and compassion in the world to see yourself through the difficulty. My heart is with you.

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      • I definitely see what you mean. You’ve got so much on your plate, yet you definitely are a strong person. You’ll persevere and conquer. I just know it. And thank you for your well wishes. It’s tough because I’m literally trying to get better by myself without help. I know that I need to get help, but there’s this part of me that’s like “don’t do it. Everyone will think you’re crazy”.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I know how hard it can be to act in a way that opens the door to other people thinking you’re crazy. But I think there comes a time, usually later in life unfortunately, when we stop giving a shit what others think or do.

        Imagine that you are your own ten year old self’s mother. Love yourself like that. Do whatever it takes to find wellness.

        Thank you for believing in me. I believe in you too.

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  4. Pingback: What about the bone? | My Boggled Brain

  5. Joanne, I do not know your full story but I must encourage you and tell you a little of my own story. In 1993, I injured my lower back severely. After 2 failed back surgeries, I could not walk and did not do so for 2 years. I lost my career as an RN, I lost all my friends but one, my marriage fell apart, family gone, social life gone, church I was going to, gone. All burned and turnd to dust and I just wanted to be dead. Doctors turned me into a drug addict. In 1996, I decided to fight back and I did. LONG story short, I got off the drugs, got myself walking (I am today walking 7 miles on major hills!), building a new life, and now have found my true passion …. photography and writing. I taught myself how to eat right, how to live right, and how to have a HAPPY HEART no matter what. About 6 years ago, my thryoid failed and doctor after doctor told me nothing was wrong. I felt as though I was dying. I finally saw a ENT specialist who diagnosed me properly and with time and thyroiid hormones, my thyroid levels are now normal. Yes I have been through several life crises, and I am here to attest that when you take responsibility for your health that is when you will get well. Love, Amy ❤

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      • OH I INTEND that 2016 I create much beauty and increased health for myself and my family! If doctors I allowed to do what they want, I would be with more surgeries and hardware (titanium cage in my back)! No thanks!! Mind over matter, where there is a will there is a way …. You can do this!!! We march together to 2016!! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • If this is an MD I must admit I’m not too fond of MD’s. They have it all upside down and inside out for the most part. Even if I could practice as an RN, I would not. I no longer believe in medicine in what it has become.

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      • He is a chiropractor who healed his broken back without the surgery that he was told was the only thing that would save his life. His book “You are the Placebo” is a gift to the self…opening doors to the inherent value of our own mind in healing the body. Beautiful!!

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      • Awesome!! Now this is a book I could read! Thank you! I was told in 2004 if I did not have further surgery I would be both paralyzed and in a wheelchair. Yes, we can heal ourselves. I’ve done it and am still doing it!!! Good for this man!! I will definitely be getting his book!!
        This exchange has been really nice, Joanne. When I get busy at Petals and am buried under comments, I don’t get the chance to go back and forth like this too often. I’m glad we hooked up today!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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