I had a really busy day and didn’t think I’d manage to meditate at all. Just as I was about to flick on the television I decided instead to light a candle, burn some incense and slap on some headphones for a twenty minute romp with Deepak and Oprah. It was incredible how quickly I was able to tap into my breathing and let the buttery tone of Chopra’s deep east indian voice wash over me. Shreem…he said…shreem….shreem….shreem….
The blackness of the void surrounded me and I though no thoughts. There were no words, no shapes, no colours, no feelings….just floating in the nothingness. It hung there for awhile until I though “oh I feel like I’m floating” and it was gone. Identifying with words had brought my mind into the picture. Breathing in and out, feeling my lungs fill and drain, my chest rise and fall….and again I was floating in the abyss. Longer this time, I avoided naming the experience and just let it happen. I rose and fell on the surface of an invisible pool of water in the deep darkness without end. It was beautiful.
It’s a much better day…like fresh air coming in the nostrils as soon as I woke up this morning. My dear love bounced out of bed (after his customary grope) and left for work before the kids even woke up. He is on fire. We’re opening a new business and it lights him up. Despite all the difficulties and pressures of this venture I can see so clearly that it is his calling. It is incredible to watch and liberates me to do what I really love to do, which is love my children, be a good friend, wife and mother, sit in stillness and write.
Today in meditation I was quickly drawn in to feel deep love and respect for my body. I felt an urge to thank first my toes and feet for always being there for me…for letting me dance and carrying me forward each day. Then I thanked my ankles for never giving me any problems..for being so flexible and strong. I was suddenly flooded with memories of snowboarding, tap dancing, running, jumping, and travelling where my feet and ankles provided the support I needed. Then my shin bone spoke up and said that it was proud to support me, then the knees chimed in with their thoughts and I silently thanked them for allowing me to sit and stand and walk. I told them I’d take better care of them and they laughed…silly knees. Then my femurs grew warm and I had to thank them for helping me stand tall(ish). I suddenly realized that I am like a house of cards and my legs are the bottom, always carrying the weight, and I’m grateful for that. At this point my hips started groaning and I had to stretch a little to acknowledge them. I felt a deep love for them as I realized that they cradled my baby boys before they were born. They moved and shifted to accommodate them as they grew and then went back to the way they were after I gave birth. I thanked them for that and felt overwhelmed by the love I have for my children….how fortunate I am to have them in my life.
Next up was the spine…I could feel each vertebrae as if someone was walking up my back like a ladder. I realized just what a complicated puzzle I have beneath my skin and was filled with wonder at how it all fits so perfectly together without my having to do anything. Spine told me it too has had a tough year since the car accident. It asked me to listen to it and work with it to heal and I listened. About half way up the ladder the ribs beamed with joy. They said hello! and I suddenly saw them as a protective bear hug surrounding my heart and lungs. It made me feel so loved and cared for to think of ribcage as being so loving and taking such good care of me. Inside the warm hug was the heart…it beat strongly as I paid it some attention. I thanked it for providing the rhythm of this dancing machine I call my body. It was silent…only beating…there was a profound moment of calm. Then the lungs drew in a huge breath and asked me to scream out as we pushed the air out again. I could see them pink and alive and clear. Stomach got in on the action by telling me everything is good down here…just send down some warm lemon water so they could do a little housekeeping. I could hear a chorus of cheers as my intestines heard about the lemon water. Again, I thanked them for all they do for me.
My shoulders begged for attention at that time and I suddenly sat up a bit straighter. I could see that the arms hang of those strong bones and the weight of it all was something to bear. My shoulders told me to sit up straight so the weight could be more balanced. Then my ams chimed in and I saw myself holding my children. I nearly wept. Hands got in on the action by showing me how they help me do just about everything (even type this and raise the coffee to my mouth). I’d never spent a single moment of my life being grateful to my hands and now I was unable to stop. I kissed them gently and imagined myself touching my children’s beautiful faces.
At this point my neck and I had a moment. I could see that it was damaged in the car accident and was working so hard to come back into alignment. I thanked it for never giving up and it promised me that it would find its way back to health. As I focussed on my skull and brain, I kid you not, I heard loud and clearly, music and all, “This is ground control to Major Tom!” I giggled out loud. If my brain is ground control who is Major Tom? This thought rolled around for a while and the answer still makes me smile.
My beautiful little boy painted this for me.
I had an incredible session of acupuncture this morning and drifted easily into a meditative state while on the table and full of needles. I had a feeling of floating away but still being in my body. It was a welcome break from the way I feel during waking hours and I noticed just how available that state is if I just choose to go there.
My brain ‘wobble’ is back. It’s awful to experience its return and I find myself wallowing in fear and uncertainty about if or when I will ever feel whole again. This fear is like a magnet for other fears that love to join in and sing their song of lack and worry. I feel deeply grateful for the teachers who have found their way to me and have taught me about EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), meditation, the biology of belief, the quantum field, the placebo effect, energy flow and more as they have provided me with a way out of the mind and into the heart. In the heart I can sink into a strong belief in this loving, abundant universe and can see myself as free from post concussion syndrome and all of its nasty side effects.
The bubble of truth that surfaced during meditation today is around wealth. So often that word is associated with money but it really extends to all things that one has in abundance. To tap into that feeling all we need to do is count our blessings and express deep gratitude for all we have in our lives. In stillness I realized that on the outside wealth looks like having, but on the inside it feels like giving. We can not give what we do not have. In giving, we acknowledge in our mind that we have enough, that we are abundant. This feeling of abundance is an energy that draws more in, this providing more to give and so on in a cycle.
I have been a closet meditator for a while now. I tell myself that I meditate, and even do so on occasion, but it hasn’t really become a full practice. I tend to imagine that I don’t have time…or I’ll do it later…or I’ve got more important things to do. But the truth is I’ve been struggling with an inner void or emptiness that I can’t understand. As it often the case the universe delivered something to me that has finally kicked me of the couch of ‘putting it off’ and onto the floor of meditation.
Kyle Cease began 100 days of meditating for 2 hours per day. Each day he posts a video of what revelations he discovered during the stillness. I was really enjoying my spectator meditative practice until one day when he said “You can do this too! As much as I am getting huge results from this practice you can too. Nobody got buff by watching someone else work out”. This got me. It resonated. I want to experience the divine….to connect to my higher self…to live with ease, purpose and freedom. Kyle’s transformation, or Evolving Out Loud as he calls it, is inspiring and a call to action!
You can watch it here: Kyle Cease 100 day self-connection
Today I began my 100 day journey. I didn’t just think about it or plan it for another day, I did it. It was hard…then easy…then hard…then beautiful…then painful…then inspiring.
One thing that came up in mediation was the value of time in nature. In stillness I realized that the value of time in nature is that it asks nothing of us. It gives of itself freely and asks that we do nothing in return. It does not require us to be smart, or beautiful, or productive …it is just there. It doesn’t ask us to move quicker or to slow down. It doesn’t push or pull and just is. You can not make a tree grow or a river flow. You can not stop the rocks or slow movement of the sun. The only thing to be done in nature is to experience it…to observe and to appreciate.
I’ve had a rough go of it this year. 2014 ended with a car accident and 2015 was filled with fall out from that. I’m on the mend though…no more needs to be said about that.
There’s something about this photo of Jack Nicholson that makes me feel like it is time to lighten up! So, in the spirit of New Years I am going to do just that.
May your new year be filled with moments where you simply smile and acknowledge that it’s good to be alive.
All the best,
I wake from a restful sleep in a beautiful breezy sun-filled room. The chrisp white sheets crackle around me as I stretch out like a happy cat. I hear laughter downstairs as my family makes breakfast and prepares for their day.
I roll onto my side, push up to sitting and compose a grateful smile before touching my feet to the ground. I have such wonderful ease, joy and abundance in my life and I savour it for a moment before rising. Taking a deep cleansing breath I walk purposely to the ensuite bathroom. I glance at the claw foot tub and notice the empty wine glass and spent tea light candles resting on the tile floor beside the tub. This invokes a memory of gentle self love and pampering from the night before. I love the way I treat my body and nourish my soul. It fills me up and provides me with so much more to give.
I turn on the shower and disrobe. Before stepping into the steaming water I glance at my lithe, strong naked form. This body is a gift that has carried me through the many phases of life and brought two incredible souls into the world. I’m grateful for its strength, grace, renewal and figure. I treat it well and we are good friends. Stepping into the shower I let the water cascade over my head and feel the warmth drain down my back. I say a silent prayer of thanks to the water spirits and ask them to guide me to my higher self. I feel how blessed I am and I know exactly what I want. It is awesome to let it happen. Each day is an opportunity to allow my dreams to find me; a chance to receive the abundance of life with warm welcoming hands.
As I dress I take note of the gorgeous wardrobe I’ve put together. It’s fun to adorn myself – like a walking canvas I display through the day. Descending the stairs I smell strong, rich coffee and hear the boys talking to their dad about their plans for the day. They are truly happy, supported and free to be exactly who they are.
My husband hands me a cup of coffee and our eyes meet. We know what we have and it makes us both smile. He grabs his keys, calls for the boys who eagerly bob out the door behind him. He’s off to the work he loves, dropping the kids at school en route. He’s good at what he does and it lights him up. We have more than enough and it’s a thrill to invest, spend and share our wealth.
As the house grows still and silent I take my mug of hot coffee outside. From the back patio I see the lake shimmering a playful invitation to commune. I let my mind receed and enter into the infinite abyss of pure potentially; the quantum field that surrounds me patiently waiting for my instructions. We are one and the creative dance is never ending.
What is next? I smile and let it happen.
Find me on Twitter @tallerthanilook
Has fear ever stopped you from trying?
Have you ever given up the pursuit of something because you felt you weren’t good enough?
I can see clearly now that I have been successful when I didn’t let fear and doubt stop me.
I can also see how fear based hesitation has placed blocks in my path and prevented me from living the life I truly desire.
Does this resonate with you?
Find me on Twitter @tallerthanilook