Day 10 – Cease to Exist

Despite phone interruptions and a busy day ahead of me I was able to slip into the abyss and experience a profound moment of stillness.  Again with Deepak’s help I meditated on the idea that “I am peace” with the mantra Shanti Hum.  I repeated the mantra over and over in my mind until the words lost their meaning and my brain became numb to thoughts.  That floating feeling resurfaced and surrounded me in calm.

I felt as though we are born to be calm and free but we build a cloak of worry and stress around us that we think is who and what we are.  I’m a huge fan of Wayne Dyer and he famously spoke of the orange.  He said that when you squeeze an orange you can only get orange juice from it – meaning that you can only get out what you have inside.  If we can tap into our inner sense of peace and know that it is our true nature then we’ll be able to emit peace when life gives us the squeeze.  To BE peace sounds like a dream come true to me.

Meditation is such a gift to me now.  Spending time without my cloak feels so liberating and joyful.  Ahhh…Shanti Hum.

Day 9 – Cease to Exist

I had a really busy day and didn’t think I’d manage to meditate at all.  Just as I was about to flick on the television I decided instead to light a candle, burn some incense and slap on some headphones for a twenty minute romp with Deepak and Oprah.  It was incredible how quickly I was able to tap into my breathing and let the buttery tone of Chopra’s deep east indian voice wash over me.  Shreem…he said…shreem….shreem….shreem….

The blackness of the void surrounded me and I though no thoughts.  There were no words, no shapes, no colours, no feelings….just floating in the nothingness.  It hung there for awhile until I though “oh I feel like I’m floating” and it was gone.  Identifying with words had brought my mind into the picture.  Breathing in and out, feeling my lungs fill and drain, my chest rise and fall….and again I was floating in the abyss.  Longer this time, I avoided naming the experience and just let it happen.  I rose and fell on the surface of an invisible pool of water in the deep darkness without end.  It was beautiful.

Day 3 – Cease to Exist

It was a tough one today.  My brain ‘wobble’ is bad and I’m having a really hard time just getting through.  My kids are my first priority so I try to save my strength for them as much as possible.  Meditation was a struggle this morning as my mind wanted to pull me ahead to all the things I ‘need’ to get done and drag me into the past where things seemed to be easier.  I know that neither of those places exist though and the best way to find some peace is to focus on the breath…the in and out of air that only ever happens NOW.

As I fidgeted and stretched a sore back through 45 minutes of “stillness” I was struck by a vision of an acorn.  A dear friend and spiritual mentor, Liza Hindmarch, gave me an acorn during a group meditation session about a year ago.  She told us that contained in that seed was the potential for a great oak tree.  Though impossible to see that potential it does fully exist and requires nothing other than planting for it to grow.  You can’t force a tree to grow from the seed, you can only surround it with the soil, space, water and sunshine it needs to begin its transformation.  This got me to reflect on what I need to undertake my own transformation and manifest my true potential.  Am I surrounding myself with fertile soil?  Do I give myself the space I need?  Am I watering and sunning myself as much as I need?  If I don’t do these things for myself how can I ever hope to grow?

acorn

The acorn Liza gave me.

Day 1 – Cease to Exist

I have been a closet meditator for a while now.  I tell myself that I meditate, and even do so on occasion, but it hasn’t really become a full practice.  I tend to imagine that I don’t have time…or I’ll do it later…or I’ve got more important things to do.  But the truth is I’ve been struggling with an inner void or emptiness that I can’t understand.  As it often the case the universe delivered something to me that has finally kicked me of the couch of ‘putting it off’ and onto the floor of meditation.

Kyle Cease began 100 days of meditating for 2 hours per day.  Each day he posts a video of what revelations he discovered during the stillness.  I was really enjoying my spectator meditative practice until one day when he said “You can do this too!  As much as I am getting huge results from this practice you can too.  Nobody got buff by watching someone else work out”.  This got me.  It resonated.  I want to experience the divine….to connect to my higher self…to live with ease, purpose and freedom.  Kyle’s transformation, or Evolving Out Loud as he calls it, is inspiring and a call to action!

You can watch it here:  Kyle Cease 100 day self-connection

day 1

Today I began my 100 day journey.  I didn’t just think about it or plan it for another day, I did it.  It was hard…then easy…then hard…then beautiful…then painful…then inspiring.

One thing that came up in mediation was the value of time in nature.  In stillness I realized that the value of time in nature is that it asks nothing of us.  It gives of itself freely and asks that we do nothing in return.  It does not require us to be smart, or beautiful, or productive …it is just there.  It doesn’t ask us to move quicker or to slow down. It doesn’t push or pull and just is.  You can not make a tree grow or a river flow.  You can not stop the rocks or slow movement of the sun.  The only thing to be done in nature is to experience it…to observe and to appreciate.

Namaste.

 

Expect miracles

I am going to live rather than die
To recover rather than receed
To rest and rejuvenate without guilt and loss
To take it easy on good days despite my urge to run and play and dance and do
To cry without going to the bottom again
To know my symptoms are messages from a brain that is working like hell to fix itself
To see myself well and strong again
To know,  without a shadow of doubt, that I will make a full recovery.
To love myself unconditionally through this to the other side.

image

What about the bone?

I went to the doctor the other day. I needed a note to give to the insurance company to apply for wage loss benefits. Before going I made a pact with myself that I’d stay calm, present the facts, get the note and wobble on home. I’ve seen so many doctors, told my story so many times and hit so many brick walls that I’ve learned to be unemotional and have no expectations.

She asked me how I was doing and inquired into my symptoms. I started to relay the months of suffering, the difficulty walking, the confusion, the eye issues, the sensitivity to sound and movement. I began to cry.

I cried because I know what I’ve lost; my job, my ability to be the mom I was, my money (treatment fees anyone?), my identity, my energy, my lifestyle, my physical abilities. I cried because I am tired. I cried because I am scared. I cried because I feel like I’m dying and the medical community seems to be knitting at the gallows. I cried because I don’t know what else to do.

I wiped away my tears and took a deep breath. I looked at her and saw compassion. My spirits lifted. Maybe I had finally found my care provider; someone with the keys to the concussion treatment Kingdom who will offer me a way through this hell. Maybe I am not so alone in this after all.

“I’m going to prescribe antidepressants”, she said looking at her computer. “I’m also going to refer you to the public health office for counselling. Have you heard of celexa….”

I retreated back to my shell. I stopped listening and returned to the inner voice that believes me. We can do this it said, we will find our way back to wellness.

“Isn’t that like putting a band aid on a broken leg?” I replied. “Sure it stops the bleeding but what about the bone?”

She did everything but shrug her shoulders. That was the end of the conversation. I’m on my own.

image

The thread that pulls me through.

What does strength look like? How does one fight? In the midst of this struggle I feel weak and lost, not strong and determined.

You asked about the wobble and I’m so glad you did. I’ve told countless doctors, specialists and friends and they all cling to the pain, offering remedies to kill it. But the physical pain, as horrible as it was, left months ago. Its departure seems to have left empty caverns in my brain that fill to bursting with fluid that sloshes around when I move. The electrical current in there sends sparks all over my head which fizz when I touch my face and hair. Thinking makes my eyes move unnaturally at times which makes my stomach drop and my nerves jitter.  

There’s a channel that runs from my right shoulder, up through my neck to a spot inside my right hemisphere – this is the point where the ‘feeling’ began. It was like a tiny bug was burrowing in there for about a week before the crushing headaches began. This sent me to bed for weeks with near daily trips to the hospital or clinic where doctors would stare blankly at me and say ‘migraine’. One doctor connected me to monitors and injected me with propofol to ‘put me out’  for an hour to ‘reset my brain’, another ordered twice daily injections of torridol and gravol which zombified me terribly. Tests of all varieties,  including CT scan, MRI and blood work,  all came back clear which ultimately led the doctors to prescribe “therapy” and ask about my mental state. One Dr told me to ‘enjoy it’  which was the end of the medical road for me. 

I came to my parents house with the boys for a week after seeing a neurologist who took 20 minutes to diagnose ‘migraine’ and tell me to quintuple the amytriptaline I was already taking. It was only meant to be a week, just a little time to give Adam a much needed break from the pressure and stress of being a single parent and caretaker to me. As a last ditch effort to save my brain my mom took me to see her chiropractor. I was so ‘gone’ by that point that I felt invisible and floaty. I couldn’t talk to people and walked as if pushing through lava. When they gave me an intake form I wanted to just write ‘help me’ but instead dutifully circled my whole head as the ‘problem area’ and checked the little boxes like it was yet another fruitless request for understanding and support.  

With NUCCA treatment for ‘axis sublaxation’ over 6 weeks I’ve had a total of 6 days where I bordered on feeling well. The clarity is like seeing again after being blind. In those moments I begin to think of the future and let gratitude for the miracle wash over me. When the wobbly brain comes back it’s like being in the dark again. So scary and hopeless. I scratch around for clues to what I did wrong to break the spell, wondering when I’ll see again.

So I ask what strength looks like? People keep saying I’m strong but inside it feels like deep crumbling, loss and failure. It feels like powerlessness and rage, resignation and depression. I know of that thread you spoke of, I feel it whispering to me that this death will at last be followed by rebirth. It is the only internal comfort I have. It saves me from the self hatred that threatens to blame me for this whole fucking mess.  It’s the living through the transition that is so unbearable and chaotic. 

I keep thinking of butterflies. Does the caterpillar cry when it disintegrates into cellular mush? Does it hurt? Does it lament the loss of its hordes of tiny legs? Does it struggle against the transition or release itself with some inate faith that soon it will fly? 

This is happening. It is real and it is now and I am alone inside trying to survive with as much grace as possible. 

Thank you for letting me in and offering me a safe place to land in all my fractured vulnerability. Please know that the tiny thread is strong. It will pull me through. 

image