The infinite dance

I wake from a restful sleep in a beautiful breezy sun-filled room. The chrisp white sheets crackle around me as I stretch out like a happy cat. I hear laughter downstairs as my family makes breakfast and prepares for their day.

I roll onto my side, push up to sitting and compose a grateful smile before touching my feet to the ground. I have such wonderful ease, joy and abundance in my life and I savour it for a moment before rising. Taking a deep cleansing breath I walk purposely to the ensuite bathroom. I glance at the claw foot tub and notice the empty wine glass and spent tea light candles resting on the tile floor beside the tub. This invokes a memory of gentle self love and pampering from the night before. I love the way I treat my body and nourish my soul. It fills me up and provides me with so much more to give.

I turn on the shower and disrobe. Before stepping into the steaming water I glance at my lithe, strong naked form. This body is a gift that has carried me through the many phases of life and brought two incredible souls into the world. I’m grateful for its strength, grace, renewal and figure. I treat it well and we are good friends. Stepping into the shower I let the water cascade over my head and feel the warmth drain down my back. I say a silent prayer of thanks to the water spirits and ask them to guide me to my higher self.  I feel how blessed I am and I know exactly what I want. It is awesome to let it happen. Each day is an opportunity to allow my dreams to find me; a chance to receive the abundance of life with warm welcoming hands.

As I dress I take note of the gorgeous wardrobe I’ve put together. It’s fun to adorn myself – like a walking canvas I display through the day. Descending the stairs I smell strong, rich coffee and hear the boys talking to their dad about their plans for the day. They are truly happy, supported and free to be exactly who they are.

My husband hands me a cup of coffee and our eyes meet. We know what we have and it makes us both smile. He grabs his keys, calls for the boys who eagerly bob out the door behind him. He’s off to the work he loves, dropping the kids at school en route. He’s good at what he does and it lights him up. We have more than enough and it’s a thrill to invest, spend and share our wealth.

As the house grows still and silent I take my mug of hot coffee outside. From the back patio I see the lake shimmering a playful invitation to commune. I let my mind receed and enter into the infinite abyss of pure potentially; the quantum field that surrounds me patiently waiting for my instructions. We are one and the creative dance is never ending.

What is next? I smile and let it happen.

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I whisper to myself…

Today in meditation I spoke with the younger me.  I asked her to dream big; dream wild and crazy and wonderful things. She looked at me with a huge smile and said, “Can I really dream big? How big? Can it really come true?” I replied with an enthusiastic yes! “What you dream I live; what you believe I become” I explained. She threw up her arms, tipped her head back and twirled while she whispered “I know exactly what I want, I can see it when I close my eyes, but I don’t know how to get it.”

Recognizing this fear, I took a breath and then told her the secret I had just learned. I explained that the path effortlessly unfolds as long as you passionately dream it. Dream big without hesitation or hindrance. Dream with faith and enthusiasm.

To this she was quick to reply, ” I want to do cartwheels, laugh and joke and make people smile. I want to dance and dream and be happy!”

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My little tap dancing self.

Tears welled up in our eyes as I held her hand and said “That is a wonderful dream! Your life is beautiful;even better than you could ever imagine. Please just keep dreaming, never stop, never let go of the joy of all that is and will be.”

After having that conversation with my younger self I felt a tapping on my shoulder and heard a whisper in my ear. I realized it was my older self. She said “I am thinking nice thoughts from a yacht in the Caribbean, glass of champagne in hand. You dreamed so big, you believed so much and I am so grateful. The time you are living now is the time when everything changed. Something lifted, a door opened and you took a fork in the road towards pure bliss love, passion and belief in yourself. This made all the difference.” She went on to tell me of the future I was headed for. It blew me away. It was the future I had been dreaming of but feared would never come to be.

With a lump in my throat I said to my future self “What can I do now to be sure that this all happens the way you say?” My future self told me to abandon all fear and replace it with faith. She said “When I look back upon our life I see the path wind around obstacles that simply weren’t there except in our mind. Walk slowly with determination and joy towards that which you really desire and I promise it will all come right.”

I told her my dreams and we had tears in our eyes. She held my hands and said “You already are all those things and so much more. You live a beautiful life that is even better than you could have ever imagined.”

In that moment I realized that no matter what stage of life, all I have to do is dream big and fearlessly allow all that will be. It all made such beautiful sense and filled me with a sense of peace I’d never known.

I opened my eyes and gently returned to the present moment. I smiled and took a deep knowing breath.

The time is now….

I once read a story about a man overcome with sorrow while cleaning the closet after his wife had passed away.  Married for more than 30 years they had two beautiful children and a great life together.  He reflected with fondness on the life they had shared and the gratitude he had for the woman who was his love.  The pang of sorrow he felt sprung from something he discovered in her closet.  There inside a small box he found a beautiful satin nightgown wrapped up in crisp tissue paper.  He knew immediately that it had never been worn.  He understood right away that his beautiful wife had long ago purchased this for a special occasion that never came.  The loss of that moment filled him with a deep sense of regret.  That box represented a tenderness that was at the heart of their marriage.  Their deep love and connection was always present but often tucked away while they focussed on the day to day hustle and bustle of their lives.  Gently unwrapping the nightgown, he wished for one more day with his wife; one day to stop, unwind and enjoy the simple love they shared together.

March 6, 2003

March 6, 2003

This story has remained with me since the day I read it many years ago.  Now married,  I have tried to honour the love that lives at the heart of my relationship with my husband, but I too have stood by as the busy work of the daily shuffle piles up and covers over what is really important to me.  In moments of reflection I look back on times when we were able to get still, and get back to the place where we began…back to the true intimacy that holds us together and makes the life we build together make sense.  The memory that often rises to the surface is one where we laughed and held hands over lunch in Mexico.  Invited to a destination wedding, we snuck away for a week together in the sun and I vividly remember feeling the bills and grocery lists drift away from my mind while digging my toes into the sand and staring at the sea.  Free from to do lists and errands  I was suddenly able to focus on the here and now.  This focus immediately landed on me….what did I want?  What did I need? How did I feel?  Having the freedom to allow these thoughts to come and go without restriction was a gift I gave myself.  A while later my thoughts wandered over to us…..what did we want?  How did we feel? What’s next?  These thoughts were so welcomed in my mind and felt so good to think.  The simple clarity they provided made me smile, then laugh.  I didn’t need to talk to my husband about it, he could see on my face that I was right there him and I could see that he was right there with me.  We had swept things out and there it was.

It is easy to let things get a little dusty, to get busy and distracted and put that special occasion off…just for a little while…just until I get that one thing done…  But the truth is that the time is now.  We don’t get up everyday to get things done.   As children we don’t dream of growing up to be super busy and tired.  The busy work we all get busy doing is meant to be the foundation of our life, not the definition of it.

For me, travel is the arrival.  It is the gift I give myself, the reward I get and the time I deserve to connect with myself and those I love.  Be it a weekend mini break or a tour of Europe, it always gives me what I want.  It is freedom to dust things off and really see what is important…and so often it comes with an incredible view and killer meals.  What’s not to love about that?

 

Emerald Bay

My place in time….

2015-05-29 11.52.34_resizedI remember walking through Venice in a trance.  As my eyes took in the overwhelming beauty of the city my mind reeled with questions of how history and culture had carved out this unimaginable place.  Around every corner the bridges and pathways laid out a labyrinth of intrigue and story.  Each doorway was an invitation to explore the nature of this way of life.  How did this place come to be?  Who envisioned this remarkable water lined community and how am I so lucky to be here?  As I sat alone along a quiet canal, photographing homes that rose straight out of the water, I was struck by an awareness that I too was now part of its history.  My own footsteps had been added to the record of time as Venice and I took each other in.

As I travel I inherit fragments of each place, and take them with me on my path.  Venice inspires in me a sense of awe at what the swell of humanity is capable of.  Lives and footsteps and stories combine through history, each impacting its course, resulting in the very moment that I experience here and now.  As the culmination of time arrives through my senses I accept that my contribution is underway, and smile at the opportunity to make my mark.  I believe that each of us are here to participate in the unfolding of time and the evolution of culture.  As we expose ourselves to the world we open within ourselves new doors of understanding of what it means to be alive.

My arrival in Venice in 1996, was by train.  Railpass in hand, and backpack as companion, I scraped Liras out of my pockets for cheap accommodations and dined on pizza truck delicacies drinking stowed bottles of Italian wine.  The shoe string of my budget could not diminish the deliciousness of the experience but my next voyage will be by sea.  I can hear the flap of the sails as I travel the coastline of Italy; taste the wine and feel the Mediterranean sun on my skin.  From Rome to Venice by way of the water is a dream for me where I will once again find my place in history.

Luxury-Brands-Directory-Windstar-Cruises rome venice map

“Vacation with Europe’s elite along the sun-drenched shores of Croatia, Montenegro, and tiny Capri. Let your imagination soar as you travel through time to discover the magic of Venice, the grandeur of Rome, and the stunning beauty of the Dalmatian Coast. From the Grand Canal to St. Peter’s Square, this is a voyage of superlatives. “-www.windstarcruises.com

Here we go…

My whole life I have always dreamed of living a life of travel…of feeling the wind at my back and a stir in my soul.  I want to allow things to unfold and stop resisting the natural current of my path.  Having two young children to care for on a daily basis I have found myself buying into the ‘security’ of the pre-conceived life.  Recently I have realised that there is no ‘security’ in this existence, that we must give in to our base vulnerability in order to live fully and in the present moment.  At 40 years old I am taking stock of what is really important and finding ways to please my restless heart and fill my soul with the nourishment it deserves.

Heaven

This photo is from a camping trip my family took to Mitten Lake near Golden BC.  It is one that captures all I want in life.  I am deeply in love with the man in the plaid shirt, am inspired by the incredible determination and effortlessness of my two boys, and together we are on the edge of something incredibly beautiful.  Can we take the plunge?  Can we really design our own lives?

I have recently been struggling with intense headaches, wooziness, and a detached mental state.  Medical tests have been unsuccessful in diagnosing the issue.  I have had to give up work and am required to ‘rest’.  I feel on some level that this is a reset button…a painful yet important opportunity to just stop…stop trying, stop planning, stop fixing, stop chasing, stop doing and start being.  A friend once said to me  “we are supposed to be human beings but we spend all our time as human doings”.

I’m tired.  Chasing my tail has wrapped me in chains that just don’t fit.  I’m going to state my intentions here, hand them up to the universe, and then let go…

I want to travel the world, I want to write for a living (and a loving), I want to show my boys that they can do anything they want to do, I want to make money doing what I love to do, I want to cherish my marriage, I want to drink wine with incredible women, I want to inspire myself and those around me, I want to live in the home of my dreams, I want to receive a job offer that is too good to pass up.

I honour the feisty girl inside me…I hear her begging me to stop.  I hear her asking me to come play.  I am listening…

Yes, that's really me in all my seventh grade glory