I feel like Sally Field

It was 1984.  Madonna was like a Virgin, the Ghostbusters were getting slimed, all the girls just wanted to have fun and Bacon was Footloose in his faded Levi’s jeans. This was the year a bubbly young Sally Field clutched a fresh Oscar and beamed, “I can’t deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me!”

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Fast forward to 2015. A hopeful writer pecks out her broken thoughts on a small screen and taps publish with a mix of nerves and embarrassment.

Slowly, unknown readers begin to leave kind and inspired comments of encouragement and understanding. One by one the group of followers grows and the likes are tabulated. The writer is humbled and grateful. Having found a little place for her words to live and be shared.

One way or another we are all seeking connection and recognition for our musings.  We foster the thoughts, chew on ideas, lay out a blueprint and then craft each post with the hope that the words will find another head to live in and a connection to make.

This isn’t an Oscar, I know, but it may as well be. It is proof to me that my words have landed. This is my little piece of recognition and I’m taking it to the bank. I’m reveling in this little moment and taking this time to thank you. Knowing that “you like me” is wonderful. I like you too!

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Find me on Twitter @tallerthanilook

Fabulous Friday…

In an effort to conjure health, wellness and beauty in my life I’ve decided to start a new tradition. From now, and forevermore, Fridays will be Fabulous!

To accomplish this, every Friday I will post an inspiring, hilarious, beautiful or bizarre photo lovingly borrowed from the ether or snapped by me.

May this practice sprinkle joy upon us both… (yes, I’m talking to you..)

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This fabulous reminder to love our wonderful selves was borrowed from Bruce Lipton’s Facebook page.

If you haven’t already, please do your wonderful self a favour and read “The Biology of Belief”. It’s a game changer.

Please share with me how this picture makes you feel.

I whisper to myself…

Today in meditation I spoke with the younger me.  I asked her to dream big; dream wild and crazy and wonderful things. She looked at me with a huge smile and said, “Can I really dream big? How big? Can it really come true?” I replied with an enthusiastic yes! “What you dream I live; what you believe I become” I explained. She threw up her arms, tipped her head back and twirled while she whispered “I know exactly what I want, I can see it when I close my eyes, but I don’t know how to get it.”

Recognizing this fear, I took a breath and then told her the secret I had just learned. I explained that the path effortlessly unfolds as long as you passionately dream it. Dream big without hesitation or hindrance. Dream with faith and enthusiasm.

To this she was quick to reply, ” I want to do cartwheels, laugh and joke and make people smile. I want to dance and dream and be happy!”

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My little tap dancing self.

Tears welled up in our eyes as I held her hand and said “That is a wonderful dream! Your life is beautiful;even better than you could ever imagine. Please just keep dreaming, never stop, never let go of the joy of all that is and will be.”

After having that conversation with my younger self I felt a tapping on my shoulder and heard a whisper in my ear. I realized it was my older self. She said “I am thinking nice thoughts from a yacht in the Caribbean, glass of champagne in hand. You dreamed so big, you believed so much and I am so grateful. The time you are living now is the time when everything changed. Something lifted, a door opened and you took a fork in the road towards pure bliss love, passion and belief in yourself. This made all the difference.” She went on to tell me of the future I was headed for. It blew me away. It was the future I had been dreaming of but feared would never come to be.

With a lump in my throat I said to my future self “What can I do now to be sure that this all happens the way you say?” My future self told me to abandon all fear and replace it with faith. She said “When I look back upon our life I see the path wind around obstacles that simply weren’t there except in our mind. Walk slowly with determination and joy towards that which you really desire and I promise it will all come right.”

I told her my dreams and we had tears in our eyes. She held my hands and said “You already are all those things and so much more. You live a beautiful life that is even better than you could have ever imagined.”

In that moment I realized that no matter what stage of life, all I have to do is dream big and fearlessly allow all that will be. It all made such beautiful sense and filled me with a sense of peace I’d never known.

I opened my eyes and gently returned to the present moment. I smiled and took a deep knowing breath.

Creating desire

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Stuck in limbo suffering from post concussion syndrome I feel trapped by the limits of my own miss functioning brain. During this time it’s hard to avoid walking the path of fear which inevitably leads to doubt. My feet are too inclined to march downhill. As much as I want to take the road less travelled I’m tired and worn down by pain and despair.

What I have left is my imagination. I can push forward far enough into the future that I can see myself as well again. When I close my eyes to what is I can open my heart to what will be. This is my salvation but it is also my choice. I paint the future with my mind. The colours and brushes I choose define the path I will walk.

I paint joy, abundance and freedom. I paint laughter, travel and acceptance. In my imagination I am. All that I want to be.

Who am I when I don’t?

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Who am I when I don’t act?
Who am I when I don’t react?
Who am I when I don’t do?
Who am I when I don’t think?

Is this the existential crisis or the question that sets us free?

I know that I am not the things I do so what am I then?

I know I’m not the clothes I wear or the skin I live in so what am I then?

I know I’m not the things I say so who is saying them?

If I do nothing what am I?
If I do nothing am I still worthy of love? Is the love I receive in this world based on doing or thinking or looking a certain way or acting in predictable, prescribed ways?

Would you still love me if I stopped doing and only was? Would I still exist?

Is my soul just a waft of smoke contained in bone and skin?

Find me on Twitter @tallerthanilook

Hard time

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I’m always giving myself a hard time.

Have you ever heard someone say that?Have you ever felt deep inside that you are giving yourself a hard time?
Do you criticize and critique your every thought, every move, every action… thinking that somehow it will propel you to be better.
Do you think that doing this protects you in some way? Think it will make you smarten up or behave or do the right thing or be the right person?

The truth is it will do nothing but cut you down and make you feel awful. Harsh words reduce and diminish they don’t inspire and ignite. Whether said to yourself or someone else criticism is not what makes us grow. It is love and compassion that makes us better.

If we get what we give in the world and we spend so much time giving ourselves a hard time it makes sense to think that what we would receive in return is a life that feels hard,  feels difficult, like it’s beating us up.

Whether we like it or not we are part of this cycle of giving and receiving and if we continue giving ourselves a hard time that’s what we will get. Give yourself a break.. give yourself love and compassion and you will receive that in return. Look for examples of how you are in the cycle of giving and receiving in your life and you will see very quickly that it is true. Look for beauty and it will find you. Give into the temptation to find what feels good and your life will be full of things that feel good.

Find me on Twitter @tallerthanilook

Thank you!

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As I set out to write this blog my goal was to reach out to the world. I am so grateful to have reached 50 followers today. This is a great community and I’m so glad to be part of it.

I am a keen student of the world and always interested to learn more about the human experience.  Please feel free to share your thoughts with me, I just may write about them.

Digging deep…

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In sharing my struggles with post concussion syndrome with my friends family and readers on my blog, I have opened a door to compassion and love and sharing. I think on some level I felt as though sharing my pain with the world was a sign of weakness and I was very hesitant to do so. As I pursue positivity and strength and wellness in this world it is what I wish to project, but I am also human and vulnerable and in this moment going through something very difficult and painful.

A friend of mine shared the photo above with me on Facebook and it shook something deep inside me. What a beautiful sentiment to imagine that the darkness is where you plan to yourself and from this place you grow stronger and into the Sun.

I would really like to open a conversation about how the darkness can become a place from which you grow. Does anyone have an experience they would like to share?

It all came crashing down…

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It was as if someone pulled the rug out from under me; like a gust of wind picked up and blew apart the house of cards I’d been diligently building. I tried to carry on, push through and catch up. Ignoring the signs my body was desperate for me to read, I carried on… until I absolutely couldn’t. The pain literally shut me down –  first body, then mind, then soul.

I’m working on living an authentic life. Trying to be mindful, aware, open and accepting.  I’m determined to let go but trying to not try is harder than it sounds. But I’m not alone in this endeavour. I’ve got support. From Elkhart Tolle to Bruce Lipton to my dear friend Liza Hindmarch I’ve learned that our mental state is not meant to be reactionary, it’s meant to be creative. Our thoughts are powerful contributors to our experience and we’d all do well to make them supportive rather than destructive.

So what happened? Why, four months after a car accident which left me with whiplash and a concussion, after rounds of acupuncture, chiropractor visits, guided meditations, massage and rest, did my symptoms suddenly return with a vengeance? The pain and mental disconnect became so bad I took medical leave from a job I love, sequestered myself away from the children I adore and wept in bed for weeks. I leaned more heavily on my husband than ever before and resented myself for having to do it. I was so far from accepting and allowing that I gobbled up pain meds like candy and drilled my knuckles as deep and hard into my temples as I could muscle. The CT, MRI, ENT and blood work all revealed a healthy body. Doctors postulated around the headaches, selecting new pain meds almost daily, but despite the pharmacopoeia that was my purse, the pain endured and the wooziness remained. As I write now, my brain feels like some wires are loose. My capacity to function has returned enough for me to be awake and partake more in the day, but I’m still recovering. I’m still frightened and fragile and far from myself. 

This is post concussion syndrome. It’s a medical word to describe feeling messed up for weeks , months or years following a head injury. It’s invisible, and insufferable. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. But there is a lesson here… I will uncover the message my body is sending me.

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Reading Sonia…

As I search for something I can’t quite define I find myself drawn to Sonia Choquette.  There is a beauty and life in her books and I devour them with pure gratitude. As I read I feel as though we are connected, as though she knows me on another level. She has taught me to trust myself and my own inner guidance and I am forever changed.

This letting go is completely counter to the way I was raised. Without discrediting my parents, who are deeply loving and protective, this new way of viewing the universe as a supportive rather than hostile entity is both liberating and unsettling.

Sonia tells me to trust my vibes… To listen to my own inner guidance. But deep down I wonder what my inner guidance has to say? How can I listen?

In order to do that with any success I first need to scrape away layers of conditioned thought and patterns of behaviour. This is easier said than done in a modern world full of distractions and the glossy venere of traditional perspectives. If I wish to peek behind the curtain to find the real me, I’m going to have to let go of some beliefs that I’ve come to rely on, beliefs that ultimately provide me with my comfortable life handcuffs.

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I was lucky enough to meet Sonia Choquette at the “I can do it” workshop in Vancouver last spring. She wore a red and white gingham print skirt straight out of a 1950s kitchen, a bright red sweater and a smile that was indescribably honest. She had all 1,200 of us stand up and shout HA while beating on our chests. After 3 minutes of this she asked us to stop, and feel. I stopped… And felt an amazing rush of energy, joy, abundance, wellness and love. I had tears in my eyes. She paused, drew a breath and then said “Do you feel that? That is your spirit. That’s how your spirit always feels. When you connect with it you connect with this wonderful feeling and you’ll never want to feel anything less.”

Sonia Choquette

Why do we live so far away from this feeling? Why do we look to reason before intuition when seeking guidance? My own acquiescence to ‘walk the beaten path’ has led me to chronic headaches, shingles and a growing dependence on prescription medication. I want more. I want out.

Sonia’s advice is to stop, breathe, beat my chest and resurect my spirit. I’m going to follow her down whichever
rabbit hole she ventures into.

It is a new time for me. I choose wellness. I choose simple and honest and true. I’m on a journey to uncover my own spirit and am willing to let go to do it.

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