Day 7 – Cease to Exist

It was meant to be a powerful way to connect to myself.  In the spirit of Kyle Cease’s brave sharing of his 100 days of deep 2 hour meditation I would schedule a daily meditation practice of my own.  I am at a point in my life where I am searching for meaning beyond accumulation and gratification.  As much as those things can be pleasurable it is doubtful that they account for the purpose of the human life.  Not begin able to work and having a limited capacity to be wife, mother and friend to those I love, I find myself swirling into a routine just to keep going.  I feel like I can almost touch something just a hair away and when I’m in meditation, free from thoughts and to do lists, I can feel peace and know calm.

These past few days have seen the return of my debilitating neurological condition that I call the ‘wobbles’.  Over the past year I have tried in vain to describe this conditions to every type of health care practitioner imaginable.  I’ve seen one neurologist,  two osteopaths, four chiropractors, two Chinese doctors, three massage therapists, one physiologist and countless medical doctors and after more than five thousand dollars worth of treatment I am not sure I’m any further ahead in healing.   Today, during a 20 minute meditation I got away from it for just a while.

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Before going in to meditation I pulled two cards from my Liza Hindmarch card set.  They read “trust the process of life” and “I aim not to be perfect – but to be perfectly myself”.  What can any of that mean?  As I entered the stillness I tried to imagine what it would feel like to totally surrender to the process of life and be perfectly myself.  This idea seemed counter to the pushing I’ve been doing – the relentless search for a miracle cure – the trying so hard to be someone who doesn’t feel awful half of the time.  To surrender feels like defeat.  I don’t know how to be ok with this.  I want so badly to get out from under it so that I can be a mom to my boys and a parter to my husband.

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