The thread that pulls me through.

What does strength look like? How does one fight? In the midst of this struggle I feel weak and lost, not strong and determined.

You asked about the wobble and I’m so glad you did. I’ve told countless doctors, specialists and friends and they all cling to the pain, offering remedies to kill it. But the physical pain, as horrible as it was, left months ago. Its departure seems to have left empty caverns in my brain that fill to bursting with fluid that sloshes around when I move. The electrical current in there sends sparks all over my head which fizz when I touch my face and hair. Thinking makes my eyes move unnaturally at times which makes my stomach drop and my nerves jitter.  

There’s a channel that runs from my right shoulder, up through my neck to a spot inside my right hemisphere – this is the point where the ‘feeling’ began. It was like a tiny bug was burrowing in there for about a week before the crushing headaches began. This sent me to bed for weeks with near daily trips to the hospital or clinic where doctors would stare blankly at me and say ‘migraine’. One doctor connected me to monitors and injected me with propofol to ‘put me out’  for an hour to ‘reset my brain’, another ordered twice daily injections of torridol and gravol which zombified me terribly. Tests of all varieties,  including CT scan, MRI and blood work,  all came back clear which ultimately led the doctors to prescribe “therapy” and ask about my mental state. One Dr told me to ‘enjoy it’  which was the end of the medical road for me. 

I came to my parents house with the boys for a week after seeing a neurologist who took 20 minutes to diagnose ‘migraine’ and tell me to quintuple the amytriptaline I was already taking. It was only meant to be a week, just a little time to give Adam a much needed break from the pressure and stress of being a single parent and caretaker to me. As a last ditch effort to save my brain my mom took me to see her chiropractor. I was so ‘gone’ by that point that I felt invisible and floaty. I couldn’t talk to people and walked as if pushing through lava. When they gave me an intake form I wanted to just write ‘help me’ but instead dutifully circled my whole head as the ‘problem area’ and checked the little boxes like it was yet another fruitless request for understanding and support.  

With NUCCA treatment for ‘axis sublaxation’ over 6 weeks I’ve had a total of 6 days where I bordered on feeling well. The clarity is like seeing again after being blind. In those moments I begin to think of the future and let gratitude for the miracle wash over me. When the wobbly brain comes back it’s like being in the dark again. So scary and hopeless. I scratch around for clues to what I did wrong to break the spell, wondering when I’ll see again.

So I ask what strength looks like? People keep saying I’m strong but inside it feels like deep crumbling, loss and failure. It feels like powerlessness and rage, resignation and depression. I know of that thread you spoke of, I feel it whispering to me that this death will at last be followed by rebirth. It is the only internal comfort I have. It saves me from the self hatred that threatens to blame me for this whole fucking mess.  It’s the living through the transition that is so unbearable and chaotic. 

I keep thinking of butterflies. Does the caterpillar cry when it disintegrates into cellular mush? Does it hurt? Does it lament the loss of its hordes of tiny legs? Does it struggle against the transition or release itself with some inate faith that soon it will fly? 

This is happening. It is real and it is now and I am alone inside trying to survive with as much grace as possible. 

Thank you for letting me in and offering me a safe place to land in all my fractured vulnerability. Please know that the tiny thread is strong. It will pull me through. 

image

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “The thread that pulls me through.

  1. I completely understand. Hang on. It will be better after a while. I’m not promising you complete wellness, but the “stupor” seems to end after a while. We are weak, we need help, we need support, but because many of us won’t get it, we become strong in a way we won’t recognize. If your doc is not sympathetic, then I’d move on, since that’s what I did. Feeling confident in your doctor is part of the healing. Make sure you ask for all of your records… and ask after every visit about a week later. Then you will have more complete notes and that will tell you what is really happening and what he is really thinking. Hugs. Cathy Turner

    Liked by 1 person

    • It took me a long time to find the sympathetic chiropractor but I truly feel that he is supporting my healing. Trusting that I will recover is tough but it is the thread that pulls me through.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it.

      Like

  2. Beautifully written and helped me to understand what you are going through. While it is hard to read about your suffering, it also really clarifies what is happening. I have experienced serious health issues myself and can relate to some of your feelings. I depended on spirituality a lot more than I expected to. There is something about meditation and prayer that really can bring you to a place of healing like nothing else, whatever your spiritual belief system may be. Keep writing – you have great insight and mindfulness and you will appreciate having these thoughts recorded.

    Liked by 1 person

      • It seems to me that your have endured extreme, indescribable pain and trauma. Your strength shines through. I know it is no help to deny reality and say it will get better… I don’t know the future. But I can say this: You seem strong to me. I don’t know if that helps. I can only give you an account of my perspective. You seem, from your writing, and from the fact that you are able to write about it… Incredibly strong. So I stand by my first comment. It is not kindness. Just an observation. So thank you! For sharing your pain and making me feel less alone. A connection to a stranger through pain. Kind of poetic. I like that. -TJ

        Like

  3. Wow! Such candor and pain here…I felt tears well up as I read this because my young daughter had migraines when she was little. Not as long as this period of pain was there for you, but off and on they would hit her out of the blue. The only thing she told me later was that she was stuffing down her emotions at a young age and noticed when she did this, the headache would begin. I went the traditional route at first..MRI scan, chiropractor visits..one time in the middle of her throwing up she was being treated. Now, as a young adult, she has told me that the worst part was the ‘fear’ of it coming to her again. We have employed the technique EFT to help us both with our lives and since her discovery of what the root was, she has had no further problem. Your post made me so grateful that we found a solution, and I thank you for posting this. The doctor who told you to ‘get used to it’..Oh my! Hugs to you! I know you are strong..you just showed it here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel pretty desperate for this to end and for my brain to calm down. Hearing that there was recovery and healing gives me hope that I will eventually see the other side of this.

      I’ve done some EFT and have recently been referred again to a helpful practitioner. I’ll take it as a sign that it’s time to dig deep and see if I can find the root.

      With sincere thanks for commenting here. It helps, it really does.

      Like

      • The EFT does help! In fact, my favorite guy on YouTube is Brad Yates. I go there daily to tap on something…It has been so effective in my life. My daughter has found it so good as well. I am pulling for you! You deserve a life of pain free living…we all do. I am finding that whether it be emotional pain or physical pain, life is too short to be crippled by either! Every day should be a GREAT one!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Life is too short to suffer and yet suffering is part of life. I can’t shake it off.. My brain is so wobbly. It’s constantly there. It prevents me from living. It’s so hard to rise out of the fog to do the EFT or meditate. It’s oppressive and suffocating.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s