It all came crashing down…

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It was as if someone pulled the rug out from under me; like a gust of wind picked up and blew apart the house of cards I’d been diligently building. I tried to carry on, push through and catch up. Ignoring the signs my body was desperate for me to read, I carried on… until I absolutely couldn’t. The pain literally shut me down –Β  first body, then mind, then soul.

I’m working on living an authentic life. Trying to be mindful, aware, open and accepting.Β  I’m determined to let go but trying to not try is harder than it sounds. But I’m not alone in this endeavour. I’ve got support. From Elkhart Tolle to Bruce Lipton to my dear friend Liza Hindmarch I’ve learned that our mental state is not meant to be reactionary, it’s meant to be creative. Our thoughts are powerful contributors to our experience and we’d all do well to make them supportive rather than destructive.

So what happened? Why, four months after a car accident which left me with whiplash and a concussion, after rounds of acupuncture, chiropractor visits, guided meditations, massage and rest, did my symptoms suddenly return with a vengeance? The pain and mental disconnect became so bad I took medical leave from a job I love, sequestered myself away from the children I adore and wept in bed for weeks. I leaned more heavily on my husband than ever before and resented myself for having to do it. I was so far from accepting and allowing that I gobbled up pain meds like candy and drilled my knuckles as deep and hard into my temples as I could muscle. The CT, MRI, ENT and blood work all revealed a healthy body. Doctors postulated around the headaches, selecting new pain meds almost daily, but despite the pharmacopoeia that was my purse, the pain endured and the wooziness remained. As I write now, my brain feels like some wires are loose. My capacity to function has returned enough for me to be awake and partake more in the day, but I’m still recovering. I’m still frightened and fragile and far from myself.Β 

This is post concussion syndrome. It’s a medical word to describe feeling messed up for weeks , months or years following a head injury. It’s invisible, and insufferable. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. But there is a lesson here… I will uncover the message my body is sending me.

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34 thoughts on “It all came crashing down…

    • Thank you for this. I try as much as possible to avoid thinking about things I hate. I believe that our thoughts are like magnets so want to avoid bringing anything to me that I don’t want. I will enjoy your post about this and perhaps make one of my own.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I agree Joanne! I don’t ;ile to bring negative thoughts in my mind just answer all the love ones and on the hate say on the 1st questions that you dont want to bring negativity and leave ithe rest blanck! I wish you positive journey all the way Joanne..

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  1. Jo – I think we could have a great talk about this (car accident 1997; chronic pain and fibro since). I applaud you for writing and for recognizing there is a lesson there. Hinde site is 20/20 and tells me that I wasn’t listening for many years – enter the lessons of my son. Leading me to a life of presence and trying to live as you have described – mindful and in the moment. If you haven’t read her already take a look at Elizabeth Lesser – Broken Open. And if you need a likeminded old friend to re-connect with lets chat.

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      • Yup it is – good old general Stewart alumni! You’re right how we draw others. Love your dream you shared with another author. I know of a publisher who is starting out and might be the right fit for you. And since you shared your dream I will let you know – I too want to write a book one related to my son’s life purpose and lessons. Just trying to figure out the right approach because it always comes out as a bit of an inspirational piece with an academic twist (and I haven’t really read anything like that before…not on this topic) so it is a work in progress. A big step fwd yesterday though when I spoke after Dr Brian Goldman (from CBC’s white coat black art) on why drs should listen to patients. PM me in FB if you want to connect, when the time is right for you. Stay the course stay in the moment and just be.

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  2. Ha ha! I see that Carolina tagged you too! Well, great minds do think alike – https://ramblingsfromthedarkness.wordpress.com/2015/06/04/lovehate-challenge/

    I sympathize with the disconnect feeling to some degree. I’ve had what they term “brain fog” for… well, i don’t know how many years. I remember when it started – very suddenly, and I suddenly couldn’t remember things – whether I’d done something or whether I’d eaten, or what I;d just read. It’s gotten better but I’m not back to the way I used to be, and I doubt I ever will – frustrating since i used ot have an excellent memory. Oh well, this falls under acceptance, I suppose. I hope yours, however, does pass.

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    • I’m so sorry to hear that you too are suffering from a disconnect in the mind. I’m trying so hard to find the lesson in this problem. But like my post said trying not to try is a little bit of an oxymoron. All we can do is allow what is and make the best of it. Having this time to write and express myself and connect with the world has been a real gift. I wish you all the best thanks for sharing.

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  3. I also read Tolle, and many others. In the end Wayne Dyer made me start my change. When I started walking through life with a differnt view, things started to get in a new order. That was confusing and challenging to no end. But it was also exciting and showed me lots of myself which I never knew I carried inside. A change of perspective makes us think, act, and radiate different. Things happen which change the conditions around us. We cannot expect a change without changing something. Therefore don’t be frustrated. It will all work out. Just go with it, observe and again go with it!

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    • I was lucky enough to attend a seminar with Dr Wayne Dyer in Vancouver in the spring of 2014. He sat on the stage and spoke without notes for over 2 hours. I hung on every word and loved everything he said. He is a true gift to this world and I thank you for the reminder to pick up one of his books once again. His latest is called I can see clearly now. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to see clearly?

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      • Wayne Dyer has put the pieces of what I knew into a whole picture. Thanks to him and the miraculous way I got to know him made me develop the person I am today. I say him 3 times on stage. The last time was last October at I Can Do It in Pasadena. He spoke 3 hours without a break. It was the best of speeches I heard of his. It was the event where I also had my official booksigning for I’m Free. Can you imagine how wonderfully overwhelming that weekend was. I was an official promoted author at the same event like my favorite author!

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      • Wow I think you might be living my dream. Congratulations on putting yourself out there and being received so beautifully by the world. I think perhaps that’s all we can really do in this life… shine even our darkest moments and let the world take them in. Since you have shared your dream I will share mine…one is to write children’s books that inspire the types of things that we are talking about in our children. I can imagine myself meeting Wayne Dyer and having him share my books with his audience. I can even see myself on a stand up paddle board in Maui with the Sun at my back.

        How did you do it? how did you find your audience and how does it feel to have it?

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      • I love your dream, Jo!!! There are so many steps of realizing a dream. There are set backs which are not. Because they teach anything we need to accomplish the dream. When I saw Wayne Dyer for the first time of my life in a lecture I was astonished by his radiation. I thought: Wow, I want to do,what he does and I want to give, what he gives. A few days later I had my breakthrough and started writing my book. That is about 6 years ago. Meanwhile I published 4 books (on is the English and extended version of I’m Free which you see on my pag Home). Every step, every interview (two live radio interviews) were challenging since I had to step out of my comfort zone over and over! And every time was strengthening. I found my audience through my world wide marketing campaign last year but also through this blog. I can only say it feels awesome after a life of selfdoubts and anxieties to simply give openly without fearing to be hurt anymore. Nobody can basically hurt me because nobody is me and therefore can impossibly judge me or my actions! Go for your book! Go for your dream. When you have that dream than it is meant for you. It is a reminder of your soul what you wanted to to in this life! Go for it!!!

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  4. You’re so brave. Hats off to you.You have fallen.Then stood up.Then fallen harder.And are working on standing up again. πŸ™‚
    You’re awesome, you know that?
    Take care.πŸ’‹
    I am gonna pray for you. πŸ™‚

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    • Its funny but I hadn’t thought that my sharing this post with the world was brave. Thank you for helping me see it in that light, though it does make me wonder what bravery really is? If it’s brave to share our thoughts with the world then is it cowardly to suffer in silence? Perhaps it is. all I know is that in sharing this with my friends, family, and here with virtual strangers I have been able to receive such kindness and such support it is overwhelming. Thank you

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    • I too hope it gets better, but I am trying to release my need for it to happen quickly. I am in this moment now, and there’s nothing I can do about it other than to accept it and stop resisting what is here now. Having this time away from all I usually do has given me space to really focus on what’s important. Although I continue to search for the gift that is inherent in this situation, I think I’m getting closer. Thank you for your post and for sharing with me in this experience.

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  5. After I was knocked down by a car in Norway and suffered a head injury it was very difficult trying to explain how it made me feel over the following years. So I took the experience and created a novel out of it to get rid of some of the anxiety following me round wherever I went.

    Pedersen’s Last Dream isn’t meant to be autobigraphical but it is supposed to reflect some of the isolation victims of accidents can experience. Though based to a very small extent on my own experience, Pedersen’s are far more exaggerated.

    https://pedersenslastdream.wordpress.com/2012/12/31/introduction/

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